A horrific look at marketing towards children
Written by BUNKWAA

Although invisible to the eye, they can be found between the pages of children’s magazines or emitted from breakfast cereal commercials. They are the non-living particles that infect cells in a biological organism. Only by invading and controlling cells can they reproduce, as they lack the necessary genitalia. As marketing vulture and cult leader, Keith Aims mentioned in his book Life Styles of the Young & How to Exploit Them:

“This is the method whereby people conform to social norms, a process that makes possible a lasting society and the spread of its culture between generations, and is now primarily focused on how children are socialized as consumers.” And Keith would know, as he can eat five children in one sitting.

In a study published earlier this year, in Baby Shakers & Movers Magazine, researchers found that Saturday morning cartoons make the perfect host. The data collected states that: “because cartoons are able to, masquerade as something they’re not, they are able to avoid being rejected by a child’s immunity to advertising. Children are being carpet bombed with commercials at a disturbing rate and are totally unaware of it. Creating clever and deceptive half hour TV programming based around a product can navigate around a whole generation’s higher I.Q and market savoir-faire“.

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Keith is known in the industry as a marketing visionary and Anti-Christ. When it comes to the four Ps of marketing, Price, Product, Place, Promotion, Keith adds a fifth: Prick. Has built a reputation as a ruthless businessman and ritual child killer and has become known to many as Brother Grimm.  By playing on the insecurities of children,  Keith says,  “you can manipulate their deep social craving. This has played key in my marketing techniques. When it comes to cowboys and Indians, I’m a Billy the Kid, when it comes to Doctors and nurses, I’m the Jekyll & Hyde.” The same applies when it comes to snakes and ladders; he’s the anaconda of the advertising world.

Keith has taken advantage of the fact that parents can’t always be there for their children. He calls it his guilt for profit program, no child left behind. This can be seen in the latest product to come out of his agency – Trojan Horsies™.

The name says it all; never trust a marketer bearing new products. Keith’s marketing of this product is as sneaky, underhanded and deceitful as the myth itself. The ‘sneak attack’ goes as follows: Each week a new Trojan Horsie™ is released. The products are programmed with sayings like ‘collect the whole set’, ‘I wish I had a Trojan Horsie Dream Stable™’ and ‘can’t your parents afford the Trojan Horsie Solarium play-set™?’

trojan-teucer
Teucer – fone of the Trojan Horsies

The stab-and-grab tactics don’t end there. Children are encouraged to join the online Trojan Horsie Club™. For ten dollars a month, kids can chat online with their favorite Trojan Horsies™ about shopping for horsie shoes, plastic horsie surgery, and other general horsie gossip. The site also bombards children with advertising for other products like Trojan horsie sugar cube cereal™ and the Trojan Horsie make-up kit™.

 

The site also acts as market research; everything a child does on the site is tracked, recorded, and analyzed; without any consideration towards the child’s privacy; legal or moral. The site is a honey pot attracting children to give away a great deal of information about what they like and dislike. Described by many as Satan’s pit, the site lacks any educational value and does nothing but enforce the brand identity. The real purpose of the site is to  “get ‘em while they’re young” as Keith Aims puts it, by creating a ‘cradle to the grave’ consumer.

Philip Taggart, Jedi Knight and outspoken critic of Keith Aims, states in his online blog, Hang’emhigh.blog.com: “The Internet has created an entirely new playground for Keith Aims and his conspirators. New-fangled strategies have been developed to take advantage of the lack of a regulatory body (i.e. mum). Keith Aims can virtually  get into any child’s bedroom. His marketing campaigns can target children without any parental supervision. Interactive games such as Trojan horsie kiss and tell™ are a new medium which can be used to advertise toys to children without them realizing that it is part of a gimmick. They also serve as a bad example for children and for horses.”

Taggart is not alone in his criticism of Keith Aims; over the years, there have been many other people speaking out against the untouchable marketing Guru, such as Robert Redford, Goldie Hawn and Oprah Winfrey. Jeff Fatt from the Wiggles stated, between naps, that:  Keith Aims is a “perfect example” of what is wrong with children television today. MSNBC’s Keith Olbermann went even further in naming Aims as “the second worst person in the world” after Bill O’Reilly.

So here is a warning to children, don’t worry about the bogey man under your bed, check your toy chest every night for Keith Aims. He’s a vicious predator, 100 times scarier than Michael Jackson and more shattering than the ‘Nothing’ from The Never Ending Story. On a top 10 list of threats to civilization, amongst global warming, terrorism, and Donald Trump’s hair, Keith Aims came in at number 6. He’s out there kids and he wants to take your hearts, your souls and your dreams. Keith Aims is everywhere; he’s in your morning cereal, in your television, on your clothes, and in cyberspace. He’s got the whole world in his hands. For God’s sake don’t let him into your minds. Saint Maria Goretti, pray for us!

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2 thoughts on “JUNK – EATING SATURDAY MORNING BREAKFAST CARTOONS

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